WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! so many things have changed and im trippin effing balls man. a part of me misses thee old house, but most of me is just excited. i like to make it a habit to welcome change even if it means sacrificing comfort.

to some people being friends with fucked up people doesnt make sense. not fucked up in the sense that theyre a fuck-up, but fucked up as in like your friendship is not very healthy and theres a lot of sketchy and/or abusive type underpinning to it--watever about appearances. and its natural to be like "well fuck it" and trash the friendship--why waste your time?? however im realizing now that sometimes its just not that simple. perhaps you depend on each other too much for something, doesnt matter what it is. cutting ties is not a viable option. sittin under a gray cloud every time you chill with them isnt too smart either. i guess just like any relationship where youve just got to come to terms with the fact that people arent perfect, they got a lot of different faces, even those you thought knew you best. the best thing you could do is just to take what you can out of the relationship--and it might not even be somethin that person can deliver themselves--maybe just a lesson, and thats enough for me.

dude i know youre lying.

do you ever remember that scene from harold and kumar where harold gets arrested for jwalking and kumar comes to break him out, then finds that HUGE bag of weed sitting on the desk and it cues to this whole scene of him falling in love with it and then starting a life together going on dates then getting head then married then miserable??

i think that was a pretty profound movie moment and comes amazingly close to summing up how i feel when im about to enter into a new relationship. i mean ive been single for about 3 years now. i used to tell myself it was because of the circumstances i was under (blood drunken raging problems with my ex that carried on way too long wahh wahhh) and the startling growing population of effeminate/ineligible single males out there (bitch niggas), and i guess to a point i was on it, but im also realizing that any loneliness ive felt in these past three years has been largely out of my own FEAR of relationships. dont get me wrong, i love being in love gushy gushy poeticizing everything about them staying up late on the fone holding hands in public i mean i can get really fuckin gross at times, but times so seldom so damn almost never that its kept me like a closed book as far as relationships are concerned. i mean i dont even date. i think i went on like one date two years ago with this guy and he ended up really liking me which scared me cause i have balls and they have this tendency of jumping back up into my body wenever feelings get too strong (and the whole weed bag scene flashes before my eyes except not as happy) then he tried to blaze with me which he never really did and ending up yackin all over himself poor thing and then i ended up making out with his homie at nocturnal the next day off like four pills the whole night and he got all sad and i was like wtf and he was like fuckin bitch and i was like dude i dont even give a damn we went on one date but that was years ago and were friends again now but for that time span of about two weeks i decided that im not too hot about dating.

for instance.. when im at work and i go behind the bar to refill some drinks, and im looking at two people sitting at the bar, and i KNOW its their first date, i cant help but feel sort of bad for them. of course this is all just me and theyre probably havin a freakin blast, but i personally loathe first dates. i mean going out to dinner is pretty cool--but then comes the interrogation. so wat do you like to do?? how many siblings do you have?? wat high school did you go to?? ..who the hell cares????? first dates are thee ultimate definition of a boring night. unless of course the conversation ends up being really good, but its usually pretty banal. or if you end up doing something else really fun, but that usually doesnt happen in this town. or if you end up getting some, but i usually dont get into the mood unless im REALLY into you otherwise it seems pretty pointless. lol i truly hate first dates. hence why its become extremely difficult for me to meet new people in terms of dating because i dont even like the initial meeting--i just want to get to the comfortable part right away.

what im really trying to say is--how is it so easy for some people to reach that comfortable part right away (or at all) with others?? i thought maybe its just in the nature of some to jump into relationships quickly, and hey its probably sincere, passions fuel quickly and before you know it youre eight months down the line losing touch with all your friends your mom and your boyfriend are out having lunch talking about you maybe your feelings arent as strong as they used to be (also cuz you didnt allow sufficient time to get to know the real person underneath, now its starting to reveal itself and youre not very sure if you like it much) but at least you have a secure, solid basis for sex to fall back on. heh. not implying thats how i picture all relationships--just saying ive witnessed enough cases to stereotype it that way. i refer to them as cases cause theyre really only temporary. and there isnt anything wrong with that. theyre just not for me.

perhaps my expectations are too high. sort of a "puttin the pussy on a pedastal" type thing. i should lower them, i know by now that one of the only ways to really make love work is to surrender to it--but i did that before and ended up getting completely FUCKED on about ten different levels. yeah yeah we all know the story. but i guess thats just the reality of it--id like to say that i still remain optimistic and let love rule!! and dont let that ONE relationship ruin your entire perspective on relationships cuz theres a MILLION people out there and you just gotta play the game watever that means!! ..but truth is i dont choose to invest my time unless the conditions are right (not JUST right but theyve gotta be pretty damn stable), so the game is hard to play.

so now for the very first time, here at 20 years old, after my endless pining about casual relationships, i can say to the world that i am dating someone!!!!!!!!!!!

ahahahahh didnt think i was gonna say that did you???? DID YOU?!??!?!!?

well i am. big effing surprise. it was pretty lowkey for awhile. we even kind of 'broke things off' for about a month (due to external circumstances) and now i guess were back at it again, slowly progressing into some kind of seriousness, mainly because im so damn hesitant to be exclusive--him not so much. im actually almost completely sure hes ready to be "boyfriend/girlfriend" any time im ready to consent to. yeesh thats a big deal to me. im such a wimp. ill post more about this later cuz im really hungry and at least i got to my main point kind of lol

[edit] while im waiting for adrianna to finish getting ready so we can hit the gym (we really just kind of get in some cardio and sit on the bikes for an hour watching sex and the city... shit its not my fault that we work out in a private gym during primetime!!) ill finish this post.

anywho. so im dating. yes. me. and its actually quite refreshing if i do say so myself. i cant however deny that the single life well suits me. ive always been one to prefer group activities over one-on-one time. i cant say so for a lot of people, but as for me, i truly value friendship. so much so that its actually PREVENTED me from undertaking any serious relationships with boyz. i dont hook up with my friends either thanks. i mean wen youve got a pretty solid foundation of friendships, especially ones that take up a lot of your free time which is hard to come across as it is--relationships seem kind of unnecessary, and once you encounter relationshippy kinda problems, they end up being a drag. i enjoy leisure time with friends--i live for pleasure-- and while romance does have that appeal of offering those sweet pleasures of life, i also am wary of the complications that arise from them as well. its so much easier having platonic relationships with people than romantic/physical ones, and i just hate complicated shit. "id rather not" is my usual attitude. some would call me inhibited--id like to think im cautious. not only that, but im a chick, a chick with a an insatiable ego at that. ill admit i flirt a lot. ill flirt with anyone. shit. ugly dude cute dude dude with a pegged leg. dgaf. i think light flirting can be healthy, they remind both parties just how attractive they really are, even if they dont think so, and if theres one thing i think a lot of young people are lacking in is confidence in themselves. not only that, but its a way to feel attractive without having to feel obligated to someone. its like.. a lotta people think youve gotta be their girlfriend. why does it gotta be like that??

some say its a tease. that really aint my problem. its not like im going any further than flirtation--nonphysical flirtation at that. i dont kiss. i barely touch. i dont imply any sort of feelings. i just exude confidence. and if thats grounds for being a tease, then that guy needs to seriously learn how to read chicks. ive run into quite a bit of problems with this type of behavior on my part--distrust, jealousy, wat have you--but i try my best to do everything in moderation so's not to upset the crowd. if he gets a little too responsive ill back off; im not warranting any invites to my panties here man. so let it be known that there ARE girls who are able to capture attention without having to take off her clothes and/or be a drunken whore. conversation.. activity.. these are the components that make for a decent gal.. leave the freak in the bedroom if you can. i mean of course when ive had one too many i can be a bit obnoxious and slip (trust ive even tongue tied with some pretty wack skeezos in the club), but for the most part i try to contain myself for the sake of self respect and the respect of any other chicks in the room. im no clap havin jezebel.

i guess this has been a fairly risky cycle just because ultimately wen i DO make the choice of entering a relationship i also forego the eye of my adoring public, something i really have learned to appreciate. and yes. i do have an adoring public!! so fuck you. lol. i dont discriminate neither. however thats a small price to pay seeing as i dont hook up with any of these dudes as it is. so mostly its the whole commitment-phobe thing. im just at the age. 

i freakin LOVE today

im torn. torn between an inner righteous desire that tells me to resent materialism... and between that little squeaky sound i make when aldo has a sale on these GORGEOUS pruchnik heels. and not even a good sale at that. shit i just went in there and my happy ass has absolutely NO CONTROL over my wallet. i am and have always been an impulsive shopper--at times insensible to the point of disgust. often i buy it. i hang it up. still with the price tag on. and leave it to collect dust. stripping the little black dress of its true purpose save for a nice little spot on my debit card. what can i say?? i like my money right where i can see it--hanging in my closet. i would like to think that a new dress..new pair of shoes..or new (and ridiculously priced) cherry lip gloss have absolutely no effect on my day to day mood--but that would be a lie. i am--however with a pretty reasonable though not very pennysmart limit on my budget--what society has made me, that is a consumer. a FEMALE consumer. a female consumer with a thrifty eye and a pretty boss credit line. its hard to draw the line sometimes between the occasional (and harmless) splurge, and the complete obsession over attaining every fucking thing in nordstrom. i mean sometimes youve just got to spoil yourself. whatever about self loathing over petty purchases. i find myself at times stressing about money so much, i need to remind myself that i work hard for the money i do have, and i have the right  to spend it accordingly as i see fit when i have enough of it. im a simple gal. i like pretty things. i like macys. i like denim jeans. some people swear like youre obligated to choose one or the other--either let go of all material notions in life and live out of a freaking potato sack, or let the monstrous money grubbing label industry control your life and turn you into some sort of robot... id like to think, as with all things, that as long as there is a delicate balance in there that its all right. after all, i paid my bills this month, and these betseys look FANTASTIC as hell on me. why let good taste go to waste?

staying organized and a good sense of arranging things is i think a really damn important skill to have and if you dont already have it then at least a skill to try and develop. i used to be messy as hell and all the clutter just accumulates more more and more then pretty soon youll have to deal with your mess on top of some stupid ass paper you cant find then you lose your keys then you miss paying a bill cuz you misplaced the thing then you cant charge your phone to get a hold of your friend who has some of your other shit.. watever it is.. throw that in with your own personal problems cuz god knows you have them, and the fact that you smoke a lot of pot.. and eventually life just becomes sort of a drag. youve left little pieces of yourself all around in places you dont remember, places you cant manage, and you become what you created--one big fucking mess. as of late i try to stay as organized as i can especially cuz im the type of person to let it pile up, sink into little bouts of laziness, and kinda just brush it off.. im realizing now that prioritizing and never losing sight of every day responsibilities is a major part of transitioning into adulthood and even though its a BITCH this is my life and i would hate to lose control of it just cuz i forgot some stupid crap or failed to manage my time well. i mean im not a very good (or lucky) opportunist, but i think a sense of ordership (is that a word???) helps to clear away all the space, makin future opportunities more visible, and easier to capture. i can still be a lazy bitch though lol but at least im a cleaner, more practical lazy bitch than i used to be.

on a more unfortunate note.. someone broke into my pad!!

ok ok so this is wat had happened.. my fam left for vegas a couple days ago, leaving just me and adrianna to tend the home (and throw a fat ass party but thats beside the point) of which we did very well!! anyway.. i just got home from work not too long ago maybe around 1 and pops calls me saying they just got back around midnite.. asking why i left the latch on the door. which i did not. then he says my sister's laptop is missing. which i didnt touch.

now adrianna left to meet up w elsie around 3.. i left the pad around 4.. and i lock every door on my way out. but even the dumbest fool would know that when you LATCH a door.. you latch it from the inside.. and if youre on your way OUT the door and youre the ONLY one who was home.. the door cant possibly be latched. fuckin sketchy right?? my sisters laptop is missing, little drawers and shit are left open, and its pretty obvious that someone broke in.. obviously not a very good type of thief cuz the dummy didnt even take the laptop BATTERY with him lol.

im pretty sure it was my next door neighbor too. we just got these new neighbors who moved in id say residing in that house for probably a month plus now and have never bothered to formerly introduce themselves. the day that my fam was taking off though, me and adrianna were outside sending them off and someone from the neighbors came outside to his car at the same time--we waved hi kinda greeted him and shit and told him yeah we both live here my fams leaving for vegas rite now as you can see--and thought nothing of it. im bettin its either him or someone associated with him who was checkin the house for a day.. waited for an opportune time when both mine and adriannas cars were gone.. because quite honestly.. no one would think to just scan out a pad like mine in the neighborhood im in UNLESS they had already known that people werent home.. scanned the pad to find an unlocked opening.. and found it.. cuz even though i lock every door.. the window above our sink in the kitchen is always always always open. i mean shit its been open for the past like two years. he jumps in. goes to the front door..opens it for his homeboy.. they check all the rooms.. realize i dont have ANYTHING lol except for a laptop sittin out.. get shook and forget the battery.. bounce out and think theyre the shit cuz they didnt get caught.. and you know what they probably will NEVER get caught. ive seen enough thieves by now.. even ones so painfully obvious so GUARANTEED that it was YOU who just jacked me or i know it was YOU who just jacked my friend.. walk around really just grossly exonerated cuz sometimes life just isnt fair like that. how am i gonna go up to the doorstep of my neighbor and point a finger in his face?? i have nothing.

petty thievery. i mean that laptop is just a material item and can be replaced eventually--i just wonder what kinda mental state do you have to have that youre so bold enough to come into someone else's home and take from them?? i feel like those types of people have no REAL ethical motivation in life.. probably no real friends who trust them.. and spend years trying to figure out why shit doesnt go right, why they cant make ends meet, when really its because they have soo much bad karma on them and theyll never realize it.. and even if they do realize it, they dont wanna face it cuz theyre in too deep already. that honestly sucks. i dont really feel resentment.. i guess its more pity. same goes for all my friends whove just been getting straight JACKED lately.. wtf is goin on???i mean shit i know the economy is bad but CHILL OUT!!! people willing to take even from their HOMIES.. thats some sad shit. uffff and i just got my ipod jacked at work!!

money can really make some people fuckin crazy.. i mean ill admit ive done my (very heavy) share of shoplifting before.. i decided to cool out cuz i feel like taking shit is telling myself that i dont have enough money for this.. and maybe its true i dont have enough money for it at the time.. but its really just an object.. its something that i want.. not something that i NEED.. maybe i cant get all the things i want.. but i have FAITH that the things i NEED will come later in abundance if i i just.. for lack of a better phrase.. "do the right thing." im a true believer in karma and for me personally even that is hard enough to do the right thing when the times calls for it.. i can totally imagine how difficult it would be for a different kinda thief whos been disrespecting their friends and stealing from people with faces instead of stores with shelves for a long time, for someone who most likely doesnt believe in karma at all (or consequences for that matter) to change the way they do things. but i mean changing your ways is a part of life its difficult but its worth it and knowingly carrying on fucked up behavior like that can take its toll on you in the long run. i hope someday they realize that before someone gets caught up and before they kno it theyre either locked up or a crackhead. as for all the shit they came up on--safe to say its totally useless. watta bust right??

good things have side effects and bad things benefits

i dont kno why chicks take it upon themselves to do some stupid shit tryna make a point... when they really have no point at all. some chicks are so reactive. instead of using their judgment (if they have any to speak of), they just REACT to situations...with absolutely no head to the consequences that might stem from it... then they wonder how they get caught up into some sort of web of drama... then victimize themselves cuz they feel they didn't do anything wrong. i mean i can totally understand where emotions can sometimes get its grip on you and you just dont kno what else to do but act like a dumbass... so im sayin dont get all wet when i take it upon myself to make you feel like one. i have no love for hoes.

actually scratch that, i have plenty of love for hoes... just not the ones who deny it. fuckin breezies.